Wednesday, June 17, 2009

past lives

i've been in a slump. lying around feeling lifeless, over emotional, and uncreative. these first few weeks in june have been hazy. it wasn't until the other day that i realized why. this month was the ex-husbands birthday. not that it has any significance to me now, but it does in my past. i've moved on and so has he, but there are memories that tend to pop up in times like these. i wasn't sure why i kept thinking about him, but then on the day of his birth, i figured it out. i felt as though my mind was stuck in some sort of past life movie mode, where the films were all about him. and the thing is...they were all generally happy memories i was reliving.

i thought that once i let my brain cycle through these old images, that i would begin to reclaim my energy. but, nope. there was one more guy on my mind. he's getting married in july. he will be marrying a girl, that until a few months ago, i refused to acknowledge that she even existed. (it's a long story) he and my ex are intertwined in my past. it is sometimes hard for me to separate a memory with one, without thinking of the other. i never play the what if game with my ex, but with the other, there will always be that question.

it's funny how someone can be your present tense. that they can be your everything, your world for so many years; and then, they are nothing. they become only the images that you choose to hold on to; the memories that your mind keeps and replays. it's hard to let go, and even if you manage, your brain has a funny way of letting them slip back into your mind....

Thursday, May 28, 2009

letter to simone

to my dearest baby girl,

i had a horrible dream last night. my dream started with me waking up to find blood in my sheets. i woke your father up and we went to the emergency room. after doing an ultra sound, they discovered that my uterus had ruptured. (remember, this is a dream, so this might not be a real medical condition) they told us that i had to go into surgery immediately. they were going to try to sew up my uterus to stop the bleeding and to save you. after hours of waiting, i was finally out surgery. and then....

my phone started ringing in real life. it woke me up from this horrific dream; leaving me panicked. the dream never finished and i was never able to see if you were okay. i started crying.

even though it was just a dream, it felt so real.

i want you to know that no matter how much i dislike being pregnant or how much i complain, i love you. i already love you and want nothing more than for you to healthy.

with so much love from my heart,


Monday, May 18, 2009

Suprise, Suprise!!!!!!!

I started bleeding and cramping on Thursday. Not good when your pregnant. I had to go in for an emergency ultra sound friday morning. Everything is fine. They couldn't find anything wrong. Yeah! In fact the baby is a perfect weight and length. The baby is really active.

OH...did I mention it's a GIRL!!!!

Yep, another girl. Between 7 girlfriends and their combined 9 children, they are all girls. What the eff!!! I was convinced that I was having a boy. I made the ultra sound tech check twice.

PS... I found one thing I'm good at during pregnancy. My mid wife told me that I was the envy of all pregnant women because at 4 1/2 months, I've only gained 3 pounds. The baby's healthy and I'm healthy. I eat like a pig. I guess it's just my body. Yeah! If I had to add being gianormous (yeah it's a word in urban dictionary..look it up) I think I would cry even more than I do now.




Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Issues? Who says I have Issues?

So I was cleaning out my purse and found all these lists and I realized that I make A LOT of lists. Math lists, grocery lists, and random lists. I thought I would share rather than talk about them. Enjoy. Laugh.

A list for my bath body stuff:


This one is really. I put down to eat, twice! Who needs to write that!


Sunday, May 10, 2009

Heat Wave

I love Florida. I am one of the rare people who welcomes the 90 degree heat. Part of this is due to the fact that I was lucky to grow up in a small beach town. I think that gives you a different perspective on the Florida heat. That said, this week has been unseasonably hot. Almost 10 degrees above where we should be this time of year. We are breaking temperature records. Now, normally this would not be an issue; however I'm pregnant.

I came home on saturday afternoon and the house was hot. I turned the air down to 69 degrees trying to cool the house down. Hours later, the thermostat was set at 69, but read 81 degrees. I was dying. I turned the shower on the coldest setting and hopped in. My body was radiating so much heat that by the time the water hit my head, it would turn warm. I tried laying naked under the ceiling fan. Still unbelievably hot. At this point, my anxiety takes over. I lose it. I'm crying hysterically. I have this vision of it being mid July and a hurricane comes and knocks out our power. I have no air conditioning; no water! I keep thinking about is all the women who said, "oh, your going to be pregnant over the summer." In a voice that is dripping with pure sympathy and a face that reads "that poor girl". Now I get it. Which makes me cry even harder. I'm screaming in between tears to Jason that he better do something to get this problem fixed or I'm leaving. There is no way that I can spend four months like this! Poor guy! The house eventually cooled down and after a frantic phone call to my mother, I started to feel better.

I think this summer is going to be very interesting. i foresee myself bathing in a tubs of ice!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

on being pregnant......

I very much dislike being pregnant. Let me preface this by saying that I don't believe in anyway this will make me a bad mother or love my child any less. I just hate being pregnant. I feel like I'm growing an alien. My body is weird and just not right. I think that every pregnant woman out there must forget all the crazy things that happen to their bodies. I"m constantly discharging, farting and burping. I get nose bleeds and my gums bleed. My heartburn is so severe, it wakes me up in the middle of the night. I can't stand to be around certain smells. I'm grumpy, cranky, and cry often. When I do poop, normally once a week, it is either really hard and hurts coming out or it is sticky like peanut butter and takes a whole roll of toilet paper. I get dizzy and weak feeling; followed by a hunger I can only describe in way that if you don't get me 5 pounds of food right now, I'm going to die!

Okay! I feel better. Let's hope this second trimester becomes half as good as people say it is.

Monday, April 13, 2009

aahh...girls night out

So, I had a girls night out on Friday night with some of my younger, single friends. A night like old times. Getting dressed up; me sans heels of course. Not starting the night until 10 pm, going to Cleos for pre-drinks; then spy bar for a little indie/ hip-hop dancing. This used to be a regular thing for us girls, but not for me since I can't drink anymore. So, this Friday, I would be the designated driver/ wrangler of drunk girls. Little did I know that instead of babysitting the drunkards, I would be swarmed by the creepiest of creepiest guys; defending them off with a sober coldness that just kept me wondering what the hell was going on.

Guy number one: tall, white button down shirt, untucked. Just plain goofy looking. He barges through the crowd over to my friend and I and uses this line: "Did you just break out of jail?" ( I was wearing a black and white striped tank top) I looked at my friend puzzled. He then proceeds to turn to her and ask her if she was a mermaid. ( she was wearing a sequined tank top) At this point, I turn to him and say yes, I just now broke out of jail and yes, she is a mermaid. He then asks how we met. In turn, I say, "Well, while I was breaking out of jail, I had to swim across the ocean and that's how I met my mermaid friend." REALLY?! Mind you, all of what I said was dry and dripping with sarcasm. He walked away.

Guy number two: We were sitting at the bar and this man who clearly looked like he could be my dad and maybe gay, cuts in between my friends and I to introduce not only himself, but his friend as well. WTF is going on!? At this point, I just roll my eyes and he leaves me alone.

Guy number three: oh this is a good one. While standing by the DJ booth, a very creepy guy comes over and just starts looking me up and down all while saying "Oh ya. Oh ya." Then, he proceeds to pretend film me with his pretend video camera. I'm not even sure what to say to this because it is just so absurd.

At this point, I turn to my friends and ask them if being pregnant makes you secrete some crazy hormone. Do these guys not see that I am clearly showing. (OK, maybe to them it looks like I have a beer gut, but still)

On to guys number four, five, and six: I was left standing by myself and these three thugged out guys encircled me, all introducing themselves with words like: yo mammi, etc.. I started getting panicky and over heated, so I pushed my way through.

Now I was pissed. I feel so bad for this last guy. I'm sure that he might not have been coming over to hit on me. He probably wanted to tell me that I dropped something. However, as he approached, I started yelling "Back the fuck up. I'm pregnant!" I'm sure I said some other not so nice things to him that were in the heat of the moment, but I just wanted to get my point across.

I had a good time Friday night; I just wish guys would take a little closer look at the bump and realize that it isn't happening. Maybe they should have tried one of my drunker, nonpregnant friends.