i've been in a slump. lying around feeling lifeless, over emotional, and uncreative. these first few weeks in june have been hazy. it wasn't until the other day that i realized why. this month was the ex-husbands birthday. not that it has any significance to me now, but it does in my past. i've moved on and so has he, but there are memories that tend to pop up in times like these. i wasn't sure why i kept thinking about him, but then on the day of his birth, i figured it out. i felt as though my mind was stuck in some sort of past life movie mode, where the films were all about him. and the thing is...they were all generally happy memories i was reliving.
i thought that once i let my brain cycle through these old images, that i would begin to reclaim my energy. but, nope. there was one more guy on my mind. he's getting married in july. he will be marrying a girl, that until a few months ago, i refused to acknowledge that she even existed. (it's a long story) he and my ex are intertwined in my past. it is sometimes hard for me to separate a memory with one, without thinking of the other. i never play the what if game with my ex, but with the other, there will always be that question.
it's funny how someone can be your present tense. that they can be your everything, your world for so many years; and then, they are nothing. they become only the images that you choose to hold on to; the memories that your mind keeps and replays. it's hard to let go, and even if you manage, your brain has a funny way of letting them slip back into your mind....
Pleasure vs. Joy
2 weeks ago